


Snog, Miri, Avoid

by ms_prue



Category: Mass Effect, Snog Marry Avoid
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Makeover, Male Gaze
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-19
Updated: 2012-10-19
Packaged: 2017-11-16 14:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/540516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ms_prue/pseuds/ms_prue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime during or after ME3, Miranda encounters a problem computer on her new ship.</p><p>Crack crossover with the fabulous British TV show "Snog Marry Avoid", a make-under show that takes women who think fake tan and lingerie constitues a regular, everyday outfit and makes them look normal again, even if just for an hour or two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snog, Miri, Avoid

Miranda Lawson, ex-Cerberus operative and now freelance scourge of the galaxy, walked through the door to what was going to be the AI core on her new ship and found herself in the dark. She reached back along the wall to find a light switch, but the wall wasn't where it was supposed to be. Before she could get her bearings, suddenly the room filled with blinding light.

"I am POD!" boomed a disembodied voice. "Who are you?" "I'm Miranda Lawson," Miranda replied, blinking as her eyes adjusted to the brightness. "What did you say you were?" She seemed to be standing in a white void, alone except for a purple camera lens that was busy zooming in and out.

"I am POD," said the camera, which inexplicably possessed the voice of a middle-aged British woman, "your Personal Overhaul Device. Miranda Lawson, please explain to POD how you came to be wearing that monstrosity of a jumpsuit. Is it really a garment or has it been painted on?"

"POD, what are you doing in my server room making uncalled-for personal remarks?"

"POD is a computer, Miranda Lawson, and therefore a server room is a fine place for POD to be. As for the personal remarks, well, it is POD's mission to rid the galaxy of fakery, one shiny catsuit at a time."

"Actually, this is my work uniform."

"Do you usually work as a fetish model, Miranda?"

"I'm more of a defence contractor, as it happens."

"Well POD is also in the business of defence - the defence of natural beauty!"

"Listen, POD, there is nothing unnatural about the way I look. It's all due to genes and healthy living." After all, it was the honest - if incomplete - truth.

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to get off your chest?" POD asked suspiciously.

"I can honestly say I had nothing to do with the size of my bust." Miranda hoped that would be the end of it, because the last thing she wanted was to get into an argument about the difference between nature and artifice with a judgmental and completely synthetic entity.

"Very well. Miranda, before POD can begin the make-under program, we must run PHASE ONE: PUBLIC ANALYSIS. We showed a random selection of the galactic public your picture and asked them whether they would snog, marry or avoid you. What do you think they said?"

"Was this a statistically rigourous survey, by any chance?"

"Please answer the question, Miranda."

"This is ridiculous." The three options appeared in the air next to the lens and started to flash insistently. "Fine. I think they'll say 'snog'."

"Roll the tape!" POD cried with glee.

The flashing words were replaced by a picture of a volus carrying an absurdly large bag of groceries. "I would avoid this Earth-clan," it said, its breather clanking, "because she looks like she cannot tolerate high gravity without significant sagging."

"Avoid," said a turian C-Sec officer, resting his gun on his shoulder as he squinted at a picture of Miranda being displayed on someone's omnitool. "Even if I wanted to snog her, which I don't, I don't see how it's anatomically possible given the size of her chest and the fact that I don't have those weird lip things."

The next vox-pop was a sharply-dressed drell. "I would marry this woman," he said. "She looks strong and flexible and I bet she could probably kill me with her mind if she wanted to. Yeah, she's really hot."

"Oh, that's sweet," said Miranda.

"We also asked the famous human philanthropist Conrad Verner what he thought about your look."

The man himself appeared on screen, his trademark blonde cropped hair and goatee standing out in stark contrast to his dark pinstripe suit and sunglasses. "She's got a great ass," he began, "but that outfit really belongs on an asari stripper. So I would say 'avoid'."

Miranda scoffed. "That's rich, coming from the guy who used to dress up as Commander Shepard."

"In fact, 70% of the people we asked wanted to avoid you," POD concluded.

"What was the sample size?"

"Are you ready for my verdict?"

"No, but I'm guessing that's not going to stop you."

"Miranda Lawson," POD boomed, "you are a latex-loving ex-Cerberus cheesecake and you will undergo my Tits and Arse to Total Class make-under!"

(One television second later...)

"Oh my god," Miranda muttered, horrified.

"What do you think of your new look?" asked POD.

"How am I meant to survive a shoot-out in a cocktail dress?" she cried, searching fruitlessly for any concealed holsters.

"Obviously you would not go into a combat situation in anything less than a full suit of body armour, Miranda. This elegant ensemble is no more impractical than your old outfit in a firefight, but much less trashy."

"My old outfit used to see more action in a week than some Alliance soldiers saw in their entire careers!"

"Thankfully POD is a computer and therefore oblivious to the innuendo in your last remark, Miranda," the camera said frostily. "Would you like to know how I achieved your new look?"

"Even if I don't, you're still going to tell me, aren't you."

"Correct, Miranda. Here is your natural beauty data:

"A simple updo with soft curls to frame the face gives a relaxed yet polished look.

"Light eye make-up in shades of brown brings out your eye's natural colour and sparkle.

"Choose dresses with clever colour blocking to de-emphasis a large bust without hiding all your curves.

"So, Miranda, shall we see what the public think of your new look?"

"I guess we shall, POD," said Miranda, rolling her eyes.

A hanar shopkeeper appeared on screen. "This one finds these undulations of the human female's flesh very attractive."

"With confusion," said a sweaty elcor soldier, fresh from the battlefield and still wearing the mounting gear for his VI-controlled portable gun turrets, "I am not sure what this image is meant to represent, but if it was the posterior of a female, I would find that female highly desirable."

Another C-Sec officer, this one a human whose name-badge read 'Bailey', said "I'd snog her, yeah. I'm not going to marry her, though - I'm not falling for that shit again. Say, that's Miranda Lawson, isn't it? I'd recognise that ass anywhere."

"In fact," said POD, cutting off the vox pops, "100% of the people we asked now want to snog you."

"And some of them could even identify me by name. Is everything all right with your lens, POD?"

"Yes! Everything is just fine!"

"Are you sure? It seems to be stuck. And is that smoke? Are you overheating?"

"Error! Beep! Beep!" cried a startled POD. "Help! What's happening to me?"

"I suspect there's a problem with your camera," Miranda replied.

"This is most irregular. Miranda Lawson, POD does not compute. We have transformed you into a perfectly classy, natural beauty and yet POD's visual input feed cannot show us anything except your bottom."

"I believe you're suffering from a classic case of male gaze," explained Miranda. "Just like every other camera I've ever met," she added bitterly.

"Is it fatal?" POD squawked.

"Unfortunately, no."

"In POD's defence, you do have a very nice bottom. But we would also like to appreciate you for your natural beauty and other qualities. Erm, whatever they are."

"My face is up here, POD."

"Goodness me. Ah... Well then... Miranda, will you be keeping your new look?"

"Of course not."

"POD is disappointed. And confused. And also strangely aroused. Goodbye, Miranda."

"Goodbye, POD."

The lights blinked off and Miranda was left alone again in darkness. Unlike earlier, however, this time in her blind fumbling she managed to find the door controls. She escaped into the corridor with considerable relief, eager to get back to her cabin to change and then set a new course to the nearest shipyards for a complete refit of the ship's electronics.

**Author's Note:**

> Confused? You can find clips of Snog Marry Avoid on youtube. Go watch - it's freaking amazing!


End file.
